Divorce · Finding Faith · Marriage

Trusting God’s Promise During My Separation

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him. who have been called according to his purpose.
Romans 8:28

It still seems impossible to me that my marriage is on the every edge of divorce. It still feels like a nightmare that my husband doesn’t love me anymore and reminds me of that often. It’s still inconceivable that I am going to be a single mother to a one-year-old and a newborn.

God promises something good will come out of this storm that is bringing devastation to my life. God also sees everything perfectly and sees the complete picture. God has full understanding, whereas I am limited to knowing what is going on only in this present moment.

What good can possibly come from this painful divorce?

1.) God is strengthening my relationship with Him. Throughout this process I have developed the deepest and strongest relationship with the Lord that I have ever had. Don’t get me wrong: some days I do struggle with my faith and I lack motivation to pray. However, most days I find myself waking up and immediately going into pray. I am learning more and more every day to depend on God for everything and to hand my struggles and my brokenness over to Him.

2.) God wants to use me to bring hope or comfort to others. When this whole season began for me, I searched different things on Pinterest which led me to so many wonderful Christian blogs on marriage and family. So many of these blog posts brought be so much comfort and peace. I have a hope that by sharing my own journey, I can bring this same kind of comfort and peace to someone who may be in need of my exact words.

After your season of suffering, God in all His grace will restore, confirm, strengthen and establish you.
1 Peter 5:10

I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t admit to still having some doubts. I can’t understand how any good can come from a divorce when a toddler and newborn are involved. I never once pictured a life where my childrens’ mommy and daddy weren’t together and weren’t in love. All I can think about sometimes is all the things they will miss out on and all the things I will not be able to provide for them.

It is devastating to me that I can not fix this for them. But then I remember that this isn’t for me to fix. This is for me to put entirely in God’s hands and let him fix it according to His will. I may not be able to see the good that could come from this, but He sees it.

I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born.
Isaiah 66:9

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Divorce · Finding Faith · Marriage

Waiting Out the Storm

I wait for the Lord; and put my hope in His word.
Psalm 130:5

My daughter is a just a few days shy of her first birthday. If you had told me one year ago that right now I would be separated from husband and 22 weeks pregnant I would have thought you were absolutely crazy. In one year I went from thinking I had the “perfect” life and family to hearing the words “I don’t love you anymore” and “I am happier with someone else” and “I am filing for divorce as soon as the baby is born“.

Some days I am so filled with hope. Some days I pray from the time I wake up to the time I fall asleep. Some days I bury myself in the Lord’s word. But some days I am so exhausted, broken, and weary. Some days I can barely bring myself to say anything to the Lord except for “are you really there?”. Some days I ask Him why He could possibly be doing this to me and what good can really come out of this if I do end up divorced and a single mother of two under two.

Some days I have hope for my marriage and for my husband’s return. Some days I am ready to go to the lawyers office myself.

Today? Today I have no hope for my marriage or for my husband anymore. Today I am just hoping that God sees me through when I am that divorced mom with a newborn and a toddler. I know He will. I am not sure of the “good” that will come from that, but God can see everything that we can’t even comprehend.

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Jeremiah 29:11

When my husband first told me he was filing for divorce and our marriage was over, my first line of thought was to pray for my marriage: for reconciliation and restoration. Those prayers led to a softening of my own heart and the realization I need to be a better wife. God led me to the book “The Power of a Praying Wife” by Stormie Omartian. I highly recommend this book for any Christian wife. To be honest with you, in the five weeks of praying over my husband I have noticed no changes in him. In fact, he is getting worse with his attitude towards me and an affair has starting up since I have been praying. So why do I recommend the book? Because I have seen and felt a total transformation in my own heart and my own attitude. I have been slapped in the face, if you will, with everything I had been doing wrong in my marriage. I have been able to see all the ways I have been the opposite of a Christian wife to my husband. I have realized all the ways I have been listening to the enemy instead of the Lord.

The next book the Lord led me to was “It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way” by Lysa Terkeurst. Oh, this book. I don’t even know that to say about except “wow”. If there has been one resource to help me through this storm the most (besides the Bible, of course) it is this one. This book has given me so much hope and peace. This book led me to change my prayers from “changing” my husband to asking the Lord to please get the enemy out of my husband’s heart and mind. I have gone from being to angry at my husband and blaming him to being so angry at the enemy. I know it is the enemy that has caused my husband to turn into a complete stranger, that has led him to do things and act in ways he never has for 10 years.

“Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.”
Ephesians 6:11

Every day, multiple times a day, I pray for a hedge of protection around my husband. I pray God to soften his heart- allow him to hear the Lord’s voice, not the enemy’s schemes. I pray God puts of blocks and barriers to this affair, that it won’t go any farther and that it will end. I pray for my husband’s heart to soften towards me, that he may forgive me and that he may find love in his heart for me once again. I pray in accordance with Mark 10:9 “What God has joined together, let no one separate“.

Mark 10:9 reminds me that it is God’s will for my marriage to survive, however, my husband has been given free will and God will not take that away. Right now the enemy has a very strong hold on my husband. Pray with me that God will break the enemy’s hold on him. I will continue to pray with the hope and share my journey and story in hopes that it can at least me a comfort to another woman out there going through the same thing.

God will carry us through this.

“The Lord will fight for you. You only need to be still.”
Exodus 14:14

Divorce · Finding Faith · Marriage

Drawing Nearer to the Lord: My Journey- Part Four (Last)

Click here to read parts One, Two, and Three of this series.

Here we are now. We have a sweet baby girl who is a little less than two weeks shy of her first birthday. This should be the most joyous time for our little family: except we are not a family anymore.

Thirty-four days ago my husband told me he is divorcing me. Thirty-four days since my entire world fell apart. Thirty-three days since I fell to my knees sobbing and gave my broken heart to the Lord. That has been my near-constant state ever since. Thirty-four days since every dream I have ever had for our future was snatched from my grasp and vanished. Thirty-three days of prayers for my husband, prayers for my marriage, and prayers for myself.

And did I mention I am also pregnant with another baby girl?

I wish I would have written in this blog throughout the last month, to go through the million different emotions and things I have been through. Up until this point I have been clinging to “What God has joined together, let no one separate” (Mark 10:9). However, I am at the point now where I believe there is no hope for reconciliation for husband and I. Not because I don’t think it is in God’s power or His will to restore our marriage, but because of that little thing called “free will” that we all have, including my husband.

So here I am, in my “waiting season”, waiting to see where the Lord is taking me and what His plans are for me. In the last thirty- four days He has already completely transformed my heart. He has directed me to certain books, certain Bible studies, many, many blogs and all have led with into a deeper and stronger relationship with God. A relationship I will not give up, will not let slip this time, even when things do “get better”. And whatever the outcome, I know things will get better.

Finding Faith · Infertility · Miscarriage

Drawing Nearer to the Lord: My Journey- Part Three

You can find Parts One and Two Here

The same month my husband and I found out I was pregnant, for the third time, we had just started at an infertility clinic. The doctor was much more concerned with why I kept miscarrying over why I was now not getting pregnant. I felt the opposite. And when I say we had every test done to get to the bottom of my miscarriages, I am not exaggerating- blood work and x-rays, scans, and genetic tests. There was not a single thing wrong with either my husband, nor I. That same month I had also been sending prayers to God to please not let me get pregnant again until it was the pregnancy that would result in a live baby in my arms.

So the positive pregnancy test happened… but so did blood. Which also proceeded the two previous losses. The clinic brought me in for blood levels and an ultrasound. The blood work looked good and they found a heartbeat. (But remember, we saw a heartbeat on the previous pregnancy, as well.) They kept drawing blood every couple days and it always came back with positive results. I had another ultrasound at 7 weeks, baby was growing and there was still a heartbeat! The clinic doctor gave me the okay to end his services and get started with a routine OB! Even still, during this time, I was getting eaten alive by anxiety, 24/7, thinking any second I would lose this baby. My first trimester is chronicled through prayers in the prayer journal I had started and I was completely relying on God to get me and my baby through this pregnancy.

After all, without a doubt, He was the reason I was even growing this little life in the first place.

My relationship with the Lord grew deep during my pregnancy. I had anxieties and worries about everything you can possibly imagine. And every single day, multiple times a day, I prayed about all those things. And every day I had a little message or sign somehow that everything was going to be okay.

One of these times that will always stand out to me was before that 7 week ultrasound. I was convinced I lost the baby. He/ she (we didn’t know at the time) was definitely dead. I knew it. I was crying out to God “Why?! Why God are you letting this happen again?!”. At this point I had gotten on Pinterest just to distract my mind a little. The first thing to pop up was a little graphic with the words, “Wait, my daughter, until you find out what happens. Ruth 3:18”. And I knew in my deepest of hearts that God sent that message to me to tell me that my baby was alive and fine.

Then my perfect little heaven-sent angel was born. Everything was fine. There was not a single thing wrong with her. I eased into motherhood with her with no problems whatsoever. She was the easiest, healthiest baby.

I went from talking to God all day every day for the last nine months to maybe only occasionally when I thought about it just to thank Him for my daughter. And when I say “occasionally” I mean like once or twice a month.

Which leads me to present day… just a month shy of my daughter turning a year old.

To be continued…

Finding Faith · Infertility · Miscarriage

Drawing Nearer to the Lord: My Journey- Part Two

This is part two of my story. You can read part one here.

After my second miscarriage I fell into a deep depression. I was also angry, so angry, mostly at God. How could He do this? No matter what my past mistakes or what I could be getting “punished” for, how could God just take two innocent little lives?

I went from complete anger and screaming at God to complete denial that a God even existed. Of course God wouldn’t do this to me because there was no God. After a few weeks I really had myself convinced, too. I even took every cross or religious home decor down from my home and threw it right in the trash.

The second miscarriage happened and trying for a baby became an absolute obsession. There was nothing healthy or stable about what was going on for the months following. I couldn’t find happiness in anything and I look back now and see all these wonderful experiences I didn’t enjoy and pretty much ruined because I was too obsessed with getting pregnant and subsequently the deep depression and anger that followed the negative pregnancy tests each month.

I tried everything. And I mean everything. If it was out there on the Internet as an infertility cure you better believe I tried it. Herbs and pills and pineapples and yoga and new moon rituals and meditations and and healing crystals and the list goes on and on. About five months after the sexond miscarriage was my birthday. I happened to receive a cross bracelet that says “faith” on it as a gift. I wore it to be nice even though I was still a total unbeliever.

But the more I wore that bracelet and the more I looked at that cross… I felt my heart softening. And softening… and softening some more… a few weeks after this softening began I got an anchor tattoo to represent having hope. “We have this hope as an anchor for the soul.” Hebrews 6:19 I started to think again that just maybe God may change my situation and all I needed was a little “hope”.

Seventeen days after my first entry in my brand new prayer journal I found out I was pregnant for the third time.

There was also a beautiful rainbow directly over my home that same day.

….. to be continued

Online Bible Study

OBS:”It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way” – Day One

I am participating in the online bible study through Proverbs 31Ministries. This bible study is titled “It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way” by Lysa Terkeurst. This will be my first online bible study and I absolutely do not think that I stumbled upon this particular one on accident.

I am currently in a season of my life where multiple times a day I think to myself “it’s not supposed to be this way”. I knew when I saw this study that it was going to be exactly what I need right now.

Today is about reading the introduction chapter of the book. Right from the beginning it talks about how we as humans try to control our life’s outcomes. This is exactly me. One of my biggest “flaws” if you will is my need to control everything. It’s one the things I am praying about and working on the most right now. Again, I did not find this bible study on accident.

Everyday for the last three weeks has been a struggle between having so much hope in trust in God and “letting go”, to saying I have trust in God but still catch myself trying to have control, to totally giving up and being angry with God when I don’t see the outcomes that I want.

My reflections on the introduction chapter:
– My picture of how my life should turn out (and it isn’t quite going that way at the moment): The perfect family. A husband who loves me, me as a proverbs 31 wife to him, our two babies- all together as a stable, supportive, loving family.
-I handle not being able to control outcomes with anger at God or losing faith. Asking Him if He is even there, if He can even here me. “Why aren’t you fixing this?” questions. – I am working on this.
-I know it might not be in God’s will or His plan for me for my marriage to be restored. However, I am not in a place where I am fully able to accept this yet. In this way I am more attached to outcomes than trusting God in the process.

I am very excited to start this study. I know that even though I think “it’s not supposed to be this way” right now, God has a reason for this season of my life and I will end up exactly where I need to be according to his will.

*I have no affiliation with amazon.com at this time. The link to the bible study is just a link and clicking it will result in no kind of compensation to me.

Infertility · Miscarriage

Drawing Nearer to the Lord: My Journey- Part 1

To be honest, my story really starts a few years ago. My husband and I had been married a little over a year and we decided we were ready to try for a baby. Like most couples, we figured it may take two to three months to get pregnant and then we would be well on our way to the happy family we had been dreaming of since we met 8 years ago (at that time).

We started out on the right foot. I did get pregnant on the second try. For almost two weeks we were the happiest two people on the planet. All we could talk about was the baby we were expecting! Almost two weeks. Then blood tests showed that losing the baby was inevitable. I had a D&C and then it was over. Up to that point I had never felt so alone or so much heartache in my life. No one in either of our immediate families had ever experienced a miscarriage and they downplayed it like it wasn’t a big deal. After all, I only knew for two weeks. I also heard all the common statements like “at least you know you can get pregnant”. Anyone who has ever lost a pregnancy knows how unhelpful this is.

Outside of our family, I learned quickly just how common miscarriages really are and how many women were in my daily life who had experienced at least one and I never knew. I had so many wonderful women come to me and share their pregnancy loss stories and their understanding!

We continued on with life and I don’t remember us giving too much thought on when I would get pregnant again. We didn’t need to though, because again, I got pregnant right away, the very next month after the loss. This time there was more fear and anxiety than there was joy. The doctors monitored me and the baby closely for the first few weeks and everything seemed to be going well. I even had an ultrasound and saw my little one’s heartbeat. Then when I was about 8 weeks pregnant, one day for no “real reason”, I just knew. I knew my baby was gone. I called and demanded an ultrasound and they complied but basically told me I just needed to calm down, that everything was fine, but they’d do one for “comfort” anyway.  Well, I was right and there was no heartbeat.

This is where a very unhealthy mixture of depression, anxiety, and an obsession with having a baby came in and began to totally rock my husband and I’s world and our relationship. Morning, noon, and night all I could think about and focus on was the reason for my miscarriages and do research on how to prevent them, etc.

This is also where I began to lose my faith in God.

You can click right to Part Two here